Surrender

OKAY. Let me tell you about the one trip I had that Alexander Shulgin would rate a PLUS FOUR, n. (++++) experience.  Really paraphrasing, it’s a rare and precious transcendental state that can bring on feelings of bliss, connectedness with inner and outer worlds, or a type of peak experience. 

That night, the full moon was already shining bright in the sky by the time we started our ceremony.  I’m with my soul sisters, we took about two grams of dried mushrooms.  We meditated, then had cacao as we set our intentions and consumed our sacred medicine.

We connected and shared with each other for some time before we did a Descanso.  

The idea was for us to grieve; to grieve parts of our younger selves, the things we didn’t achieve, and the regrets and resentments we held on to still. On our papers, we created a timeline of the years and put crosses at the places we were grieving. Something cracked in me and I started to cry as I was doing this, the tears were just streaming down. Powerful stuff. We let go. 

As the trip was coming to an end, I had crawled alone into my bed and closed my eyes. Once I went inwards, everything started to unravel. I was descending between space and time, pulled in and out, backwards and forwards. Nothing was linear, everything was super fluid. I felt so connected to myself and so connected to different people and places around the world I consider home. 

I felt both an extreme sadness and an immeasurable love. This was deep into my core, yet I felt so out of my body. I started shaking and I began to cry. I couldn’t control it. It felt like a volcano erupting from inside of me. The sounds coming out of me felt so unattached. It was extremely uncomfortable, but I just knew that all I could do was surrender. I continued to shake and cry a bit longer until I slowly felt myself come back into my body and it subdued. 

My sisters were next to me at this point and making sure I was okay. I tried to explain to them what I was experiencing but it was really difficult, and before I knew it, another eruption occurred. It happened on and off uncontrollably for over two hours. 

Eventually, I landed in my body and the eruptions no longer occurred. By then, the moon had disappeared, and the sky started to lighten up. Once my sisters left, I crawled into bed and fell asleep. Integrating everything over the next couple days, I realised it was an intensely divine transformation in perfect timing. 

Like I imagine the transformation a caterpillar goes through in the cocoon as it metamorphosizes into a butterfly. 

It didn’t feel good going through it, I just knew there was nothing I could do but surrender and flow. I came out of it reconnected with my body and self so much more and in a way that I couldn’t imagine before. Life too, is a continuous path of evolving and expanding and I trust in the bigger process now. 

I have become much more present in my life and aim to make the most of every precious moment. I feel that I am never alone because of the extreme interconnectedness with all humans and life around me. I make it a point to love those around me even more. I am grateful every day because I know the only time is now. Before this experience, I knew all of this and was aware of it intellectually and tried to embody it as much as possible. The mushrooms helped me actually connect to and feel it so deeply in my heart and soul. This is a gift and I’m thankful for it.

– The White Rabbit